Selected Quotes from the Cartoons

First line, first season:
• DUKE: Yo Joe!
  - A Real American Hero, part 1

After a SkyStriker buzzes the base:
• DUKE: I'm gonna kick the mustard outta that crazy hot dog! He could've smeared us all over the runway!
  - A Real American Hero, part 1

Destro knows no fourth wall:
• DESTRO: The shipment was difficult to assemble, and I lost more time climbing to this ridiculously melodramatic location.
  - A Real American Hero, part 1

Cobra addresses the nations:
• COBRA COMMANDER: Citizens of the world: we have a power greater than any in the history of mankind. Look and tremble!
  - A Real American Hero, part 1

Destro insulted rather effectively, actually:
• COBRA COMMANDER: Without my money and organization, you'd be out in the rain watching your face rust!
  - A Real American Hero, part 2

Snake Eyes in a nutshell, part 1:
• BLIND MAN: I cannot see, so I don't know why you cover your face, lad. But whatever terrible disfigurement is there, I can see into your heart, and that is sound and true.
  - A Real American Hero, part 3

The Joes' original comic duo:
• SHORT-FUZE: Uh, me and Steeler maybe got somethin'. You know how Cobra needs the Relay Star satellite to send the MASS energy beam down on New York?
• DUKE: Yeah, Short-Fuze. Go on.
• SHORT-FUZE: Well you see, Steeler and me was talkin'. And I said to him, "Steeler, buddy," I said...
• STEELER: Will you tell him already?
• SHORT-FUZE: I'm tellin' him! I gotta tell him my way, though. So anyway, I said to Steeler...
• STEELER: There's no time to tell it your way. What me and Short-Fuze figured was, if we could knock out that satellite, Cobra couldn't do nothin' to the Big Apple.
• SHORT-FUZE: So, we built this here doohickey with Clutch's help.
  - A Real American Hero, part 3

Stalker's stunning announcement:
• STALKER: I'd do anything if I didn't have to be the one to deliver this message. But the President and the Joint Chiefs have just ordered me to assemble the entire G.I. Joe force and surrender, as directed by Cobra.
  - A Real American Hero, part 4

A beginner's guide to Short-Fuze, part 1:
• SHORT-FUZE: Hey! Wow! Far out!
• STEELER: What do you see?
• SHORT-FUZE: What do you think I see, for Pete's sake? What are we lookin' for? If I say, "Hey! Wow! Far out!" I musta found it, right? Right.
  - A Real American Hero, part 4

Cooperation, Scarlett-style:
• SCARLETT: Not that one, you jerk! The third one! That's it. Now, set it on short range, or you'll blow it through the instrument panel! Gently, hammer hands! Steady.
  - A Real American Hero, part 5

The wisdom of Destro:
• DESTRO: Your stupid, bungled attempt to disintegrate New York has given our enemies the two commodities they must not be allowed: time and hope! Nothing undermines our cause more greatly than failure to execute our threats!
  - A Real American Hero, part 5

Gung-Ho's idea of heaven?:
• GUNG-HO: Holy Toledo, Cleveland, and Cincinnati! Here comes the granddaddy of all lightning bolts!
  - The Revenge of Cobra, part 2

Yeah, that's persuasive:
• BARONESS: Zartan, where are you? I order you to respond to my orders!
  - The Revenge of Cobra, part 3

Snappy dialogue overload:
• HONDA LOU: That's a sight mean enough to stampede a herd of gila monsters! What is this place?
• ROADBLOCK: It ain't toyland, babe. In fact, it's the last place I'd wanna be caught dead in. And I'm talkin' dead with a very big D.
  - The Revenge of Cobra, part 4

Channeling Hannibal:
• ZARTAN: I adore seeing a scheme come together.
  - The Revenge of Cobra, part 5

A beginner's guide to Short-Fuze, part 2:
• SHORT-FUZE: You guys might think I'm bananas or somethin', but....
• ZAP: We know you're bananas, Short-Fuze. What's on your mind?
• SHORT-FUZE: Couple o' minutes ago when I didn't hear anything?
• ZAP: Yeah?
• SHORT-FUZE: I ain't hearin' it again. I gotta check it out.
  - The Revenge of Cobra, part 5

How to deal with a whiny weapon supplier:
• DESTRO: But he stole the laser core!
• COBRA COMMANDER: Which I now have, as well as the other two fragments.
• DESTRO: But he must be dealt with!
• COBRA COMMANDER: He has been. I forgive him. Now stop sputtering like a wet toaster, and get busy!

The downside to character distinctiveness:
• SHIPWRECK: Let's reconnoiter, Snake-Eyes, and try not to attract attention. Sure, who'd notice a wet sailor with a parrot and a silent masked man with a timber wolf? I think we're in major trouble.
  - The Pyramid of Darkness, part 1

Shipwreck, smooth operator:
• SNAKELING: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
• SHIPWRECK: Uh, uh, uh, what are we doin'? Uh, uh, well, that's a heck of a question. Uh, you know what we're doin'?
• SNAKELING: You're supposed to be earning your pay, Snakeling! Now, get to work!
• SHIPWRECK: Oh, yes, sir. Right, sir. Work!
• SNAKELING: Stop! Since when are birds and dogs part of Cobra regulations?
• SHIPWRECK: Uh, look, you want the parrot and pooch for target practice, they're all yours. Just don't tell Destro who told you to take 'em.
• SNAKELING: Uh, Destro owns those animals?
• SHIPWRECK: Well, Hitler owned a canary. Atilla the Hun liked goldfish. What can I tell ya? You want Destro's zoo, buddy, you got it.
• SNAKELING: Hold it. Get back to work, but take care of these pets.
  - The Pyramid of Darkness, part 2

A leader disgruntled:
• COBRA COMMANDER: I lost my cubes! My wonderful cubes! All gone! Now I'll never rule the world! I hate this job!
  - The Pyramid of Darkness, part 5

Affection for the Crimson Twins:
• COBRA COMMANDER: I wish you were triplets so I could hit three of you!
  - The Pyramid of Darkness, part 5

Taking a cue from Socrates:
• SPIRIT: Would it not be wise to free Scarlett before we attack?
• FLINT: Yeah. And I might even try it, if I had a couple of guys crazy enough to drop in on Cobra unannounced.
• SPIRIT: Snake-Eyes and I know of such men.
  - Cobra's Creatures

Must've missed the animal motif:
• DR. LUCIFER: You will pay for toying with my affections, woman! Death is coming for you...on eight thousand fat, little legs.
• RIP CORD: What did he mean by that?
• SCARLETT: Search me. A firing squad, maybe, with four thousand short, overweight soldiers?
  - Cobra's Creatures

Piety, Cajun-style:
• BUZZER: Say your prayers, yank!
• GUNG-HO: Now I lay you down to sleep!
  - Countdown for Zartan

What to say when your cartoon doesn't allow bullets:
• DUKE: Eat hot knuckles, snake face!
  - Cobra Stops the World

What to say when your cartoon doesn't allow profanity:
• COBRA COMMANDER: Surrender or the entire United States dies now!
• DUKE: Surrender, my grandmother!
  - Jungle Trap

Signs Duke is a bad boyfriend:
• SCARLETT: What would you think if I changed my hair color?
• DUKE: What?
• SCARLETT: I was thinking maybe black and blue, to match my face.
  - Battle for the Train of Gold

Good with children:
• TITO: Her. And what do I get if I help you? I got my future to think of. I'm ten already.
• LADY JAYE: Wanna see eleven, kid?
  - Cobra's Candidate

Snake-Eyes in a nutshell, part 2:
• ZAP: My friend is a man of action, not words. So you better talk to me before he twists you into the world's first snake-flavored pretzel.
  - Cobra's Candidate

Crossing the line?:
• STORM SHADOW: This is not an honorable way for a warrior to meet his end!
• LADY JAYE: Then it should suit you perfectly.
  - Satellite Down

Would've been a great name for a Joe vehicle:
• ROADBLOCK: Come on, Cobra, meet your mongoose!
  - Money to Burn

Diplomacy, Cajun-style
• GUNG-HO: As I started to say, you sound just like Count Dracula.
  - The Phantom Brigade

Gotta love those greenshirts:
• DUKE: Cobra Commander's around here somewhere.
• GREENSHIRT: If he gives you guys the slip, don't worry. He won't get past us.
  - The Phantom Brigade

Fun with acronymns:
• ARNOLD: That, that's what they want you to think! My friends, the Committee On Basic Reductions of Armies, has conclusive proof that the entire G.I. Joe-Cobra conflict is faked! F-A-K-E-D! Faked!
  - Twenty Questions

Shipwreck, blogger in the making:
• ARNOLD: Uh, wouldn't it be better if all these computers were used to stop world hunger, instead of....
• SHIPWRECK: What are you gonna do? Feed the world a short stack of floppy disks?
  - Twenty Questions

Witty repartee:
• COBRA COMMANDER: Thanks to our tunneling machines, we found this previously undiscovered cavern! A perfect base for our operation!
• SHIPWRECK: I always said you couldn't tell your base from a hole in the ground!
• COBRA COMMANDER: I will not allow such impertinence, especially from an enlisted man!
  - Twenty Questions

Honor among thieves?
• COBRA COMMANDER: Whose side are you on?
• BARONESS: The same side you are on. My own.
  - The Gamesmaster

Geneva, shmeneva:
• GUNG-HO: Say, I got a better idea, Duke. What if we only make Zartan sick?
• DUKE: I've heard worse.
• ZARTAN: What about my human rights?
• GUNG-HO: Talk or drink!
  - The Gamesmaster

Should've had an action figure:
• THE VIPER: I'm the Viper. I've come to vipe your vindows. Five seventy-five an hour. I start on west corner, top floor first.
  - The Viper Is Coming

Shipper bait:
• LADY JAYE: So, does someone here want to take me for a stroll on a moonlit beach?
• BAZOOKA: Sure!
  - The Funhouse

Captain Planet buries his head in shame:
• WILD BILL: Solar power beams? Comin' down here? Ain't that dangerous, Lady Jaye?
• LADY JAYE: Not if the beams are controlled by that monitoring station.
• BAZOOKA: If not?
• LADY JAYE: They could fry a city.
  - Where the Reptiles Roam

Encouraging childhood misconceptions:
• COBRA COMMANDER: I am the new fire department. If they don't pay, I start fires.
  - Where the Reptiles Roam

Alternate use for Trubble Bubbles:
• WILD BILL: That has to be the most newfangled sanitation system I ever saw!
  - Where the Reptiles Roam

Seriously, this was a good moment:
• SHIPWRECK: Well, you may not believe this, but I was adopted, too.
• JESSE: You...you were?
• SHIPWRECK: Uh-huh. You know, we're lucky to have people who love us as much as our real parents might've, maybe more.
• JESSE: Maybe a lot more, huh, Uncle Hector?
• SHIPWRECK: Maybe. But the important thing is that they do love you and take care of you. That's what really counts.
  - Captives of Cobra, Part I

Makes for a good cliffhanger:
• FLINT: Then you leave us no choice. By giving aid to Cobra, you've endangered the lives of your fellow Joes and jeopardized the security of the United States. This court-martial finds you guilty of treason. Dusty Rudat, you are hereby sentenced to life at hard labor at Fort Wadsworth Military Prison.
  - The Traitor, Part I

I'm with Cover Girl on this one:
• SHIPWRECK: You know, me and that side of beef could have a meaningful relationship.
• COVER GIRL: Is your brain frostbitten, or what?
  - Cobra CLAWs Are Coming to Town

Hey, I know that voice! You had Mrs. Bryant for math in 4th grade, right?
• FIREFLY: I have provided darkness for your sake, not mine. To know my identity is to ensure your doom.
  - Eau de Cobra

This realization was a long time coming:
• COBRA COMMANDER: Morons! I have morons on my payroll!
  - Eau de Cobra

He's just upset the island doesn't have gumbo:
• SCARLETT: What are you complaining about, Gung-Ho? I thought this place would remind you of home.
• GUNG-HO: It does. Now you know why I left.
  - Primordial Plot

Not quite equally matched:
• GUNG-HO: Come on! At least act like it hurts!
  - Primordial Plot

A lot goes over your head when you're fifty fathoms down:
• DEEP SIX: Hey Ace, what does Breaker want with this dartboard?
• ACE: I don't know. Sometimes I think that guy's really out to lunch.
• DEEP SIX: No. He regularly eats at Headquarters.
  - Flint's Vacation

Lighter moments:
• DUSTY: I think Cover Girl likes me!
• FOOTLOOSE: I think you're deeply deluded, man.
  - Hearts and Cannons

Some rescue, part 1:
• DR. WINTERS: Who are you?
• DUSTY: Just think of me as your hero.
• FOOTLOOSE: Super suave, man. Hey, uh, throw on somethin' casual, y'know? You're like, uh, gettin' rescued.
• DR. WINTERS: Um, give me a minute.
  - Hearts and Cannons

Some rescue, part 2:
• FOOTLOOSE: No problem, just keep mellow, Miss, uh...
• DR. WINTERS: Nancy Winters. Doctor Winters to you.
• FOOTLOOSE: Right. And I'm Dr. Footloose, and that's Dusty up there. He's just an intern. We're with, like, uh, G.I. Joe.
  - Hearts and Cannons

I'll have to use this some time:
• DESTRO: You will live to regret this day, fools!
• FOOTLOOSE: Oh, wow! We're really quakin' in our sneakers, man!
  - Hearts and Cannons

That's actually kinda clever:
• BUZZER: Best kiss her again, swabbie. She's still a frog.
  - Memories of Mara

Wisdom from Cobra Commander:
• COBRA COMMANDER: You lack imagination, Destro. We possess the ultimate weapon of control. People love television. It's their friend. They believe what television tells them: about the news, the weather...or G.I. Joe. Don't you see? We control the creation of truth!
  - The Wrong Stuff

Take that, watchdogs:
• KIRBY: Aw, gee, Likeables. Nobody likes me.
• LIKEABLE BOY: That's 'cause you're different, Kirby.
• LIKEABLE GIRL: Only when everybody looks alike,
• LIKEABLE BOY: and acts alike,
• LIKEABLE GIRL: and thinks alike,
• LIKEABLE BOY: and never, ever gets angry
• LIKEABLES: ...can we achieve world peace.
• ANNOUNCER: Turn in next week for more pro-social fun with...The Likeables.
• DUKE: Now this has gone far enough!
  - The Wrong Stuff

You just can't not say it:
• ZARTAN: Fire at will!
• TORCH: Uh, who's Will?
  - The Wrong Stuff

Mr. C's last day on earth:
• SCARLETT: Duke, someone to see you.
• MR. C: Step aside, woman!
  - The Wrong Stuff

Cobra and labor relations:
• STUDIO EXEC: Excuse me, sir, but we are now into overtime, and the union rules specifically state....
• COBRA COMMANDER: The only union they should be concerned with is the one between their heads and their shoulders.
  - Cold Slither

Introduction to the Sarge:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: Good morning, sleepy heads. I'm Sergeant Slaughter. I'm glad to see you got your lazy carcasses out of bed. Now you slobs have had it too soft. You guys are supposed to keep our country safe from Cobra. So startin' today, we're gonna fix all that. Give your hearts to America, Joes, 'cause your butts belong to me!
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 1

Commanders' commentary:
• COBRA COMMANDER: That man has the constitution of a vending machine!
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 4

Fun with piles of putrid protoplasm:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: I've faced some pretty spineless opponents, but this is ridiculous.
• TOMAX AND XAMOT: A slight problem with Dr. Mindbender's recipe. The poor creature just came unglued.
• TOMAX AND XAMOT: Yuck! He glopped us!
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 4

Yeah, that's an emperor, all right:
• SERPENTOR: Know that I am the one you seek. I am the one born to rule, destined to conquer! Let those who fear me, follow me. Let those who oppose me, die! For I am Serpentor, and this I command!
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 4

The other half of the battle:
• LIFELINE: Hey, Low-Light! Does it ever occur to you there might be an easier way of settling disputes?
• LOW-LIGHT: Yeah, Lifeline. It's called a gun!
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 5

Not going as planned:
• COBRA COMMANDER: You've got them eating out of your hand, Serpentor. Of course, you and I know your primary function will be as a figurehead, a sterling symbol of the power and unanimity of Cobra. You'll give them someone to look up to, while I make all the important decisions.
• SERPENTOR: Then start by deciding where you want to be buried!
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 5

He's got a point:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: Baloney! You talk a good fight, but can you back it up?
• SERPENTOR: Do you forget, Sergeant Slaughter, that my first act as a sentient being was to knock you unconscious?
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 5

Not original, but good to remember:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: The price of liberty is always eternal vigilance.
  - Arise Serpentor Arise part 5

You kick with your hands?
• DESTRO: See me in my quarters when you are done, Baroness. I have some interesting hand-to-hand combat techniques to show you.
• LADY JAYE AS BARONESS: Oh, I would get a real kick out of that.
  - Last Hour to Doomsday

Geneva, shmeneva, part 2:
• BEACH HEAD: Ever hear of the Geneva Convention?
• LEATHERNECK: I got an answer, didn't I?
  - Let's Play Soldier

Some lines are better out of context:
• TORCH: All right, Joe! It's time to fry your omelette!
• ROADBLOCK: Make them over easy, and hold the onions!
  - Let's Play Soldier

Glad he's on our side:
• ICEBERG: I ain't never seen anybody move that fast!
• LOW-LIGHT: That's 'cause you never saw me shootin' at him.
  - Computer Complications

Lessons in mid-level management:
• COBRA COMMANDER: "At once, at once!" Everything with him is "at once." Zartan, have you gained control of the robot subs?
• ZARTAN: No.
• COBRA COMMANDER: I must have control of the Joes' subs at once!
• ZARTAN: But of course, Cobra Commander. We always do the impossible "at once."
  - Computer Complications

Why we love Sci-Fi:
• MAINFRAME: These hackers are Cobra computer experts. Didn't you read the intelligence report?
• SCI-FI: I don't read intelligence reports. Gets me riled up.
  - Cobrathon

Another realistic moral:
• BEACH HEAD: Some of 'em never learn.
• LEATHERNECK: Nope. Some of 'em never do. It's the ones we can help that get us out of bed in the morning.
  - The Rotten Egg

Admit it. You laughed:
• ROBIN: Well, she and half the celebrity models in this town must be taking a powder. I can't get anybody on the phone!
• LOW-LIGHT: You got me, didn't you?
• ROBIN: Yes, but I don't think you'd look too good in a string bikini!
  - Glamour Girls

Finely honed instincts:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: All right, Sci-Fi. You and me are goin' to the World Science Fiction Convention.
• SCI-FI: Uh-oh. Somethin' tells me this is gonna be a mite strenuous.
  - My Brother's Keeper

And the award for weirdest exclamation in the series goes to:
• WET-SUIT: Holy Lloyd Bridges!
  - Raise the Flagg

A rare moment of fanservice:
• LADY JAYE: I don't know. I dreamed I was singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.
• HAWK: Nothing wrong with that.
• LADY JAYE: And I wasn't exactly in dress uniform. It was a little embarrassing.
  - Nightmare Assault

What not to say on a date:
• LEATHERNECK: Where are the video games? I wanna shoot somethin'.
  - Joe's Night Out

A quick series recap:
• RAMIREZ: Some might say Cobra tends to initiate conflict.
• COBRA COMMANDER: Poppycock! What gives you that silly idea?
• RAMIREZ: Well let's see. There was your invasion of Washington, D.C., the giant mechanical sea serpent you released on New York, the time you melted the polar ice caps... Then you attempted to destroy the world's currency, raided the Rocky Mountain Chemical Weapons Arsenal, you created that bogus heavy metal band Cold Slither, staged the Cobrathon, sank the USS Montana and the USS Flagg, and attempted to swindle Alaska away from the United States.
• COBRA COMMANDER: Oh, picky, picky, picky.
  - Not a Ghost of a Chance

Destro's chant, played in reverse:
• DESTRO: Anyone listening to this backwards for a secret occult message is a real dweeb.
  - Sins of Our Fathers

Last line of the TV series:
• LOW-LIGHT: Some nights it just don't pay to get out of bed.
  - Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep

Piling on:
• DESTRO: Militarily speaking, it's only fair to say that Cobra Commander is a world class... buffoon.
• COBRA COMMANDER: What? Baroness! Doctor Mindbender! Brave Xamot and Tomax! You won't let Destro's treacherous assassination of my character go unchallenged, will you?
• DR. MINDBENDER: Certainly not. Destro forgot to mention your frequent displays of cowardice.
  - G.I. Joe the Movie, part 1

Mercenary, defined:
• ZARTAN: We don't know who you are or where you come from or even what side you're on. Why should we risk our necks on your behalf?
• PYTHONA: Does this answer your question?
• ZARTAN: A gem of that size answers...all my questions.
  - G.I. Joe the Movie, part 2

Slaughterhouse 101:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: You're going nowhere, space case. You're here because you're an industrial-strength foul-up! My job is to whip you into shape, and I'm talkin' whip! There's only two ways outta my command: on your feet like a man, or in a ditty bag--an itty, bitty ditty bag! Got it?
  - G.I. Joe the Movie, part 3

Slaughterhouse 201:
• SGT. SLAUGHTER: You're going to work till you wish you were dead, and then keep goin', because you're afraid if you don't, I won't let you die!
  - G.I. Joe the Movie, part 4

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